


i’m on my way to believing

by softlyspoken



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Aaron is a lonely puppy you will want to hug ok, Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, bets are dumb @ robert, mental health discussion, self harm discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 08:10:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20005084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyspoken/pseuds/softlyspoken
Summary: Robert waves a hand out. “And what do I get in return?”“A fit bloke to shag.”“Clive.”“Alright alright, how about a grand.”Robert’s eyes widen, “You’re insane.”





	i’m on my way to believing

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to @shonamariex on tumblr who wanted this written, it was a lot of fun despite me not the biggest fan of the whole ‘i bet u can make him like u’ trope, i hope you like it!

He stares at himself in the mirror for a good while. He’s wearing a grey long sleeve top with a pointless button and a pair of denim jeans. His hair isn’t as styled as it usually is because he can’t be bothered. 

There’s a knock on the door and his mum opens it with a smile on her face after Aaron tells her to come in. “You look lovely.”

His cheeks turn red. “Whatever.”

She hangs by the door for a second. “They’re waiting for you in the taxi outside.”

He grabs for his coat and dodges her attempt to squeeze his cheek. She looks so happy for him it’s a joke. 

“Have fun love.” She says and he nods out a reply before heading for the stairs.

—

He’s stuck against a sticky wall and trying to look out towards the bar when he notices someone dancing like an absolute maniac a few feet away. He’s moving his arms around in the air, a massive grin on his face as he nods and then the music changes and he slows down again. 

He’s everything he’s been trying to avoid seeing in this bar that they’ve dragged him to for reasons he doesn’t even want to disclose. Perhaps they revolve around him being a moody prat who can’t get over the lonely existence of his life. Maybe it’s that.

The man dancing slows as their eyes meet and he tries to look away but the man smiles at him and he’s paralysed for a second. He can’t remember the last time someone’s looked at him without wanting to get their hands down his pants.

“Oi. Aaron, another pint yeah?” Adam’s loud voice manages to block out the way he’s looking at the man, his blonde hair disappears from view and he shakes his head before staring at Adam.

“Yeah. Go on. One more.” Matty’s saying, poking at Aaron’s rib and then moving back as Aaron scowls at him. “Cheer up.”

Aaron sighs hard. “You know how sick I am of hearing that?”

“You’re young, alright looking —“

Aaron rolls his eyes, says, “Can you stop trying to psych me up ‘cause it ain’t working.” He crosses his arms over and sighs. 

Adam’s laughing though, head rolled back as he looks out at the bar. “Let’s think of the percentage of gays in here.” He says and Aaron really wants the ground to swallow him up. He runs a hand across his face and then pulls Adam’s arm down when he starts pointing.

“You’re pissed.”

“Yeah and you’re lonely.” It hurts more than Adam probably thinks it does. 

Aaron closes his eyes and then pushes past them until he’s at the bar and he’s staring down at a shot of something he shouldn’t be drinking.

“I hear that they put all sorts of stuff in them.” 

Aaron turns to see that the dancing guy is next to him, his shoulders brushing against his. Aaron stares up at him, he’s got this soft half smirk on his face like he knows Aaron’s going to fall at his feet. 

He can really, really think again.

“The shots.” 

Aaron just looks away. “Thanks for the heads up.” He says before downing it and moving to step away. The guy steps closer and Aaron stares at his chest instead of his face. “What?”

“Your friendliness. It’s charming.” He says before he dips his head down. “I’m Robert.”

Aaron muses on the name for a second, he looks at him and can’t help but feels this pull of ‘I so would’ but then something pins him back and he can’t stop it. He’s almost frozen for a second and he pushes at Robert’s chest.

“And I’m not interested.” He says before he hears Matty call out his name and sees them heading towards the exit.

—

“Well that was a crash and burn if I even saw one.” Robert doesn’t even look up to see them laughing at him, he just crosses his arms over and blames the fact that the bloke probably was with his girlfriend. 

Clive laughs. “That _bloke_ called him to leave. Just face it Robert, that was a rejection.” 

Robert frowns. “No, it really wasn’t.” He says. “Not that bothered anyway.” He shrugs. 

“You’re seething.” Clive is an absolute idiot with a wife and kids and he’s clearly using this as the most exciting thing that’s happened to him this week. “You could have weeks and he’d still look like he wants to kill ya.”

Robert shakes his head, says, “You’re so dramatic.”

“No let’s see.”

Robert holds his pint towards his mouth and then drops it. “See what?”

“If you can make him like ya.”

“Make him?”

“Yeah. You had that Rebecca eating out of your palm every other week despite treating her like _shit_.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “That was years ago.”

“You lost your charm then?”

“As if.” Robert crosses his arms over. “How long have I got?” 

Clive sighs, and then runs a hand over his jaw. “Three weeks.”

“How do I find him?” Robert frowns, trying to remember what he looked like.

“Social media mate, or just go out now and see ...”

Robert waves a hand out. “And what do I get in return?” 

“A fit bloke to shag.”

“Clive.”

“Alright alright, how about a grand.”

Robert’s eyes widen, “You’re insane.”

“And on a fairly better wage than you my dear friend.” Clive says. “Just don’t tell my wife.” He says, Robert absolutely hates him. “And if you lose ...”

Robert scoffs. “I really won’t.” He says with a smile. 

—

Aaron’s playing about on his phone when he sees Vic coming out of hers with someone he doesn’t know. She’s squeezing his side and then Adam’s walking towards him with a pout on his face.

“Has Vic moved on then?” He asks, tilting his head towards Vic and the man from across the village. 

“Nah. Worse.” Adam takes it upon himself to sit in the car Aaron’s meant to be working on. “Her brother’s turned up out of nowhere.”

“What?” 

“He lives in town, he’s always busy but now apparently he wants to see her, and her boyfriend.”

Aaron muses over the thought and then watches Vic wave a hand out towards them and walk over. The man behind her walks slower and keeps his head down.

“There you are Adam.” Vic cranes her neck and practically grabs Adam out the car. “This, is my brother —“

“Robert.” Aaron’s eyes widen and everyone stares at him like he’s lost the fucking plot.

Robert’s eyes flicker and that shit eating grin arrives back on his face. “You remembered?” 

Aaron side steps and then folds his arms over, doesn’t say a single thing before Vic asks him what’s going on. “He was at a bar.” He shrugs.

“Oh. Small world.” Vic says, and Robert doesn’t say anything but he keeps staring at Aaron like he’s trying to get inside his soul. Aaron fidgets underneath it and Adam only laughs when he sees. 

“The smallest.” Robert says, eyes flickering. Aaron rolls his eyes at him.

—

Robert doesn’t hang about. 

“It’s weird this, you living in the same village I grew up in.” Robert’s not subtle, he leans across the bar and makes these eyes at Aaron but he holds himself together.

For some sake he doesn’t really want to dwell on. He wants to go with the fact that he has more pride than this. He’s not going to fall at some idiots feet because he’s showing him some interested.

“So weird.” Aaron looks at Robert and then down at his pint again. “So you just wondered into the village again then?”

Robert tilts his head towards Aaron, “Pretty much. Didn’t bank on seeing the guy who rejected me.” 

Aaron bites his lip. “Rejected you?”

Robert leans further, his face almost brushing against Aaron’s until Aaron tips back. “Pretty much, yeah.” He says, he’s got this smug look on his face. “Feel like you’ll be doing it again this time around too.” 

Chas comes out from the back and gives this wide eyed look towards Robert that speaks a lot louder than anything she’d ever try to get out. It makes Robert straighten his back, pull away and take his pint with him.

“One word for him,” Chas looks like she’s swallowed a lemon, he loves her but she can’t help but be dramatic over anyone remotely close to her son. Aaron turns to look at Robert as she leans in. “Trouble.”

—

Trouble comes in many forms, this one can’t seem to take no for an answer even though he’s certain he _has_ made it clear.

Debbie’s out on a call out and he’s manning the place himself when Robert rocks up with this smile on his face and a glint in his eye like he’s one step ahead.

“Anyone ever tell you how annoying you are?” Aaron doesn’t even look up properly, has a hand stuck in an engine as he watches Robert stop. 

“Hmm a few times. Hasn’t stopped me though.” Robert says, Aaron rolls his eyes and looks up.

“What do you want? I’m busy here.”

Aaron wonders what Robert actually does for a living to allow him to prance around a small village acting like an idiot. He should ask Vic. He doesn’t care actually. 

“Just came to ...”

“Do more of that weird smug grin thing I’m guessing.”

Robert makes this small sound, shakes his head. “You’re charming.”

“And you’re annoying.” Aaron says, there’s hardly any heat in his voice and he hates how much he’s missed whatever this is, talking to people who aren’t immediate family or Adam and Vic. It feels heavy in his chest and he wills it to stop.

What does stop though is the engine he’s working in, it flat out has a breakdown in front of his very eyes and he swears under his breath as he tries to get it to start up again.

“For fuck’s ...” Aaron tuts before reaching in further and then looking back at Robert uselessly still standing there. “Can you fuck off now?”

Robert’s eyes flicker as he soaks in Aaron’s confidence. He fights back a laugh before taking his jacket off and placing it aside. “Now I can do just that or I can help you.”

“Help me?” Aaron’s frowning, and he can’t deal with the way Robert’s hovering over him like an idiot. “The customer’s due in an hour and you’re wasting my —“

“Look mate, I was a mechanic before you could spell the word so ...” Robert nudges his way forward and sets about looking at the engine. Aaron’s forced to step away and watch as Robert feels about and asks for a pair of gloves like a right girl. He watches for a second, Robert has this oddly serious look on his face before that stupid smirk is back.

He says the fuel engine is knackered and Aaron arches an eyebrow up. 

“I can fix it.”

“So can I.” Aaron shrugs. “And what?”

“Pretty big car.” Robert leans over. “Think you need a hand considering the customer’s on their way.” He pulls this face and Aaron folds his arms over.

He can’t believe this.

“And you’ll do it for nothing?” 

Robert licks his gum like a weirdo and Aaron notices that he’s rolled his shirt up so that he’s forearms are on show. “Nothing but ... a date.”

“Me and you?” Aaron kicks the ground, feels the sun hit his cheeks.

“No. Me and Adam.”

Aaron rolls his eyes again, fights with himself and then gulps. “Fine.”

—

They end up in a bar in town, Robert drives and makes this deal about picking Aaron up from his. He lies, says he’s going out with Adam just to soften the blow of his mother interfering.

She’d only make a big deal about it, say something embarrassing about him deserving this.

He’s been lonely for a long time or whatever shit she likes to tell him these days. It makes him feel like a let down most days.

“So. A date. Didn’t even have to try hard.” Robert says, and Aaron’s already shaking his head. “What?”

“Hardly had a choice did I?” Aaron sips his pint and looks over across the bar to avoid the smirk on Robert’s face. 

“Could have told me to piss off, but you happily got in my car.”

“Happily?” 

“Yeah. That’s a nice shirt n’all. You really pushed the boat out.”

“I’ll be pushing you in a minute.” Aaron sits up straighter on his chair and Robert looks away, laughing. He doesn’t get how he doesn’t ever seem offended by the way he’s quite clearly _pushing_ him as far as he can. He dips his head and sighs. “Thanks for ... helping with the car.” He says, soft, honest.

“Yeah well ... I got this out of it didn’t I?”

Aaron arches an eyebrow. “Not that worth it.” He says.

“Maybe you are.” 

Aaron’s chest tightens and he fights the need to tell Robert to piss off. He looks away instead and Robert keeps staring at him.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Robert says, he sips his pint again and Aaron decides to try this again. He blows out a breath slowly and looks around before focusing in on Robert again. 

“How comes you’re not still a mechanic?” Aaron asks, leaning forward on the stool and then pushing his elbows out. 

Robert muses on the thought for a second, imagines sticking around in the village and working for Cain forever or something. “Moved away. Got an office job. What?” Aaron’s stifling a laugh. 

“Thought so.” Aaron looks down at Robert’s hands. “Haven’t seen an honest days work for a while.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “Sound like my dad.” He says, it strikes him in a way he doesn’t like and he looks down in time for Aaron to react by himself. 

“Oh I ...” Aaron mouths wordlessly for a second. “Dad’s are shit aren’t they?” Robert’s head raises up slightly and he feels like an idiot but Aaron smiles at him, eases the feeling out.

“Yeah.” Robert says. “Nice to know you were looking at my hands though.” He says into his pint. 

Aaron calls him a dick but it’s alright. They manage to skirt around a conversation and sit for hours just talking. 

He doesn’t kiss him, he tries, and Aaron freezes up because there’s someone looking at them across the bar. He leans right away, tells Robert they should call it a night. 

It ends and Robert kicks himself a little.

—

He’s trying to grab a packet of cheese and onion when his mum corners him with a sour look on her face, she folds her arms and he gives her a funny look.

“Saw Adam this morning.” Chas says, she places a hand on her hip and shakes her head. “He had a very lovely night with Victoria.”

Aaron runs a hand over the packet of crisps and squeezes the top, crumbling it slightly as he tries to move away.

“Why the lying?” She looks at him, big wide sad eyes and he sees her crying over him and saying it’s going to get better soon. He sees himself weak, ruined. He hates it. “Love?”

“Because ... it wasn’t a big deal.”

“You got back late.”

“Again. Not a big deal.” Aaron goes to move again and there’s this shadow of a smile on her face. 

“Were you with ... someone?” 

He wants the ground to swallow him when Charity comes through and winks at him. 

“‘Bout time.”

“Bout time you shut your gob n’all.” Aaron snipes, snatches a packet of nuts too and disappears out the door. 

He gets back after tea, finds Marlon in the back room setting him down some fish and chips and smiling at him.

“For you sir.” He says, funny voice and gangly limbs making Aaron give him nothing more than a curt nod and a weird look when he just stays where he is.

“Cheers.” He manages to get out when he swipes a chip and sits. Marlon’s back by the time he’s scrolling through his phone and allowing himself to sit and think.

He feels such a pang of guilt flow through him whenever he pictures Robert’s face brushing against his. He puts it to the back of his mind when he hears the sound of high heels and Chas slowly sits next to him.

He holds in a groan, because she starts fishing again and then he gives in, waves a hand up like it’s a white flag and goes even deeper.

“You’re allowed to have fun you know.” She says, she makes a massive deal about it and he thinks of Adam, he thinks of Matty and half his family telling him that he deserves to be happy.

He doesn’t feel deserving, he can’t tell her that though because she’ll think he’s all ill again, tell Paddy and they’ll go berserk. 

He’d rather keep it to himself. 

“Cheers for letting me know.”

Chas tuts, spreads a hand out on her thigh and then tries a different tactic. “Nice bloke was he?” 

He lifts his head up and feels this pang of something again. He gives her a small look and then gets back to eating.

“I’m just ... trying.”

It’s what she does, and he knows it. She tries and he still resents, but he gives up in the end because she’s been there for him. She hasn’t and she has and he’s not sure how it weighs out but he tries to look at the bigger picture as best he can.

“He’s alright.” He pulls this face and his mum gets carried away as much as she can given he’s only said two words.

She says something about this bloke being into Aaron, says she can feel it, says he’s onto a winner or something. He allows himself to think about it just for a single second and then he snaps.

“Saw Charlie mum.” Aaron says, he keeps his head down to avoid the face she’ll pull. “In the bar, when I was with — this bloke.”

He looked well, he remembers the last time he saw him. He had tears in his eyes and they were burying his best mate. 

“Oh.” 

“He was shaking his head at us.”

“He’s — daft.” Chas comes forward. “Darling, it’s been nearly two years.”

“And what’s that mean?” Aaron blows up, feels his insides rumbling as he stares at her. “I should be shagging men every other night ‘cause —“

“Aaron.”

“What? It’s been _two years_.” Aaron scrapes the chair back and his shoulders tighten when she tells him to try and calm down. 

“Love, I just want you happy.” Chas leans out, tries to hold his hand and he _hears_ her. “He’d want that too.”

No one really knows what he would want.

—

“Well yeah ... the date was ... it was good.” Robert walks slowly down the village Main Street and eyes up the garage as he speaks on the phone. Clive wants details like he’s a school girl, he’s slowly giving them. 

“Good as in you’re in there or ...”

Robert watches Aaron come out of the pub, he’s still got his overalls on and he psychs himself up to call out his name, ask him for a drink.

He gets Aaron turning towards him like a deer in headlights, shoulders hunched and low as he spots Robert. 

“Look no, just — just leave me alone alright?” Aaron says, voice filled with something Robert should know better than to entertain. 

It gets his back up as Aaron saunters down the road and over the hill leading towards the cemetery and the cricket pavilion. He watches him go and sighs hard before realising he’s still on the phone.

“So that sounded promising.”

“Fuck off.” He says quickly. 

—

“Here, I ... bought you a can. I knicked one from mum’s actually. Charity nearly caught me.” Aaron looks down, kicks the ground and then rests the can on the headstone. 

He wants to be happy, he’d want him to be happy, he fucking can’t though.

A dark cloud looms over, heavy and suffocating. He looks up towards it and welcomes the way it travels over him.

“I miss ya.” He says. “Still.”

—

“Saw you earlier, talking to Aaron, well he was walking off and you were ...” Vic stops speaking, looks up and he regrets agreeing to come around hers for tea. He regrets sticking around at all. 

“He’s difficult.” 

“Why do you care?” Vic turns off the stove and then smiles. “Oh.”

“What? Robert rolls his sleeves up. “He’s alright to look at.” He feels something inside him melt when Vic smiles so effortlessly at him like she doesn’t care in the slightest if he’s attracted to him. “What?” He asks, when she looks away.

“It’s just ...” Vic folds her arms over and pokes her head out the door like she’s wondering if Adam is listening. “He’s been through a lot.”

“Haven’t we all.” Robert shrugs. 

Vic tuts. “He gets ... well he _is_ lonely, and sad and ...”

“You’re really selling him to me aren’t you?” 

She rolls her eyes and then sighs. “Just letting you know not to hurt him that’s all.”

Robert finds the bottle of beer he’s abandoned on the counter and catches sight of a photo of Adam, Vic and Aaron all looking younger than they do now. Aaron’s hair is slicked with gel and his cheeks are bright red as he smiles. He looks like a different person, someone Robert saw a glimmer of the night before.

He brings the bottle of beer towards his mouth before his eyes flicker, “Sure he can handle himself just fine.”

—

Ed came along, charmed him, made Aaron feel like he could see something, and he was kind with it.

He was kind and gentle and Aaron was completely undeserving. He felt safe, strong and safe and Aaron could have got used to it.

He could have taken the chance, leapt for it like all of his family so desperately wanted him to but he didn’t.

He stepped back from the edge instead, the dark clouds loomed further.

—

Aaron watches from the bench in the front of the pub as the world goes by around him. 

He sits for what feels like hours until he sees Robert stepping out of his car, locking it slowly and fixing his hair in the mirror. He studies him for a second, all leather jacket and waxed hair and yet here, smirking up at Aaron like he gives a shit. He shouldn’t give a shit at all. 

Aaron goes to stand when Robert approaches him. Aaron makes out he’s too busy looking at his car to notice, his eyes flicker when he eventually looks up and the sun sits near his eyes sharply.

“Day drinking? Must be bad.”

Aaron shrugs. “Lunch break.”

“You could always buy me one?” Robert sticks a hand in his pocket and Aaron stares at him. “Or how about I buy you one.” 

Aaron brings his glass to his mouth again and frowns. “You take rejection well.”

“Is that a compliment?”

Aaron shakes his head and Robert smiles. 

“Can’t say I’m used to fit guys telling me to piss off all the time.” 

Aaron looks down, fights the way his cheeks redden under it. He bites his lip, teeth showing as Robert stays where he is, unmoved.

He goes to speak when he sees Paddy approaching them and he gets his back up again. 

“Yeah well, I’ve got to get back to work.” He stands, tries to move but Robert comes closer and Aaron panics as Paddy frowns at them. “Are you deaf?”

Robert looks surprised, his eyes flicker. “Fine. You know what? Wallow.”

“ _Wallow_?” Aaron’s heart beats out of his chest, Paddy’s turned around sharply and Brenda’s annoying by the cafe now but Aaron can’t let this go. “What does — does that even ...”

“Nosey woman from the cafe said you let some bloke go off to France and now you go around being all sad and miserable.” Robert shrugs, he’s got this frown on his face and Aaron feels everything inside him set alight.

“You don’t know nothing.” Aaron says. “So just — leave me alone.” He turns, starts towards the garage when Robert speaks again. 

“Aren’t you bored of that?” Aaron turns slowly. “Being alone.”

Aaron feels it like a kick to the stomach and his eyes travel the length of Robert before he stands taller. “You don’t know me.”

“Yeah.” Robert nods, he removes the hand from his pocket and comes closer towards Aaron. “‘Cause you don’t want anyone to.” 

Aaron’s eyes force him to watch Robert walk back to his car.

—

“He’s too much. I’m out.” 

Clive scoffs down the line, Robert holds the phone away from his ear for a good three seconds. “You’re giving in?”

“Yes. Didn’t I make that clear?”

“Can’t believe this, Robert Sugden never gives up.”

Robert sits slowly, eyes boring into the stupid programme about blue whales he’s watching instead of enjoying a pint with Aaron. “Yeah well, when have I ever successfully achieved a plan.”

“Fair enough.” Clive says. “I get if you’re not up to it.”

“Clive.” Robert knows what he’s trying to do. 

“Or if you know, you haven’t still got it.”

Robert’s jaw clenches around the comment.

“Or if you well off enough to not need a bit of cash ... maybe to actually start a business of your own? Invest ...”

Robert runs a hand through his hair, he knows he’s still in. 

—

Aaron comes through the back room of the pub in search of a free pint a few days later and comes face to face with Robert sitting there with a woman laughing at something he’s said and hanging on his arm. 

She’s blonde, has a coat draped over the chair that is probably more expensive than Aaron’s entire wardrobe. He watches intensely for a few seconds before Charity comes out and asks him if he’s paying for the pint he’s obviously going to pour.

He shakes his head, a little dazed and distracted as he presses the leaver and keeps his eyes on Robert.

“Hot date.” Vic’s voice is there when he looks up, she’s carrying out food and nodding towards her brother. 

Aaron bristles. “Thought he was gay now.”

Vic pulls a face. “Nah, just likes both.” She says before raising an eyebrow. “Not that you care or anything.”

Aaron’s glass nearly drops and he has to put it down as he looks at her. “Why ... why would I care? He’s ancient.”

“He’s only five years older than you.”

He looks at his fancy leather jacket and pressed patterned shirt, shoes that look brand new and hair effortlessly styled. “Might as well be forty.” He says, sticking his hand out as he speaks and Vic just nods at him and goes towards their table. 

Aaron watches them from a booth near the kitchens, sees that Robert keeps leaning in and making her laugh and he doesn’t even know why he’s rattled. It’s just proving that Robert talks absolute shit and does what he likes. 

He sees Robert close in around her again when the view is blocked by a big shadow. Paddy’s walking over towards him waving a hand and bumbling about something or other. Aaron only bothers to pay attention when Paddy looks at who Aaron’s looking at.

“Saw you two the other day, looked a little ... intense.”

“Just can’t take no for an answer that’s all.” Aaron says, his words disappearing into his pint as he drinks and the notices the look on Paddy’s face.

“He’s been bothering ya?”

Aaron goes to answer when Chas comes out, stops short and looks like she’s going to fall over.

“Who?”

“No one.”

“Sugden.” Paddy helpfully points out. “It’s alright if he is, should we have a word?”

Aaron runs a hand over his face and groans. “I ain’t a kid.” He shouts. “So just ... leave it alright?” He stands, watches Robert look up towards him and then down again and he realises that he really hates him.

Robert watches him go and then leans back on his chair with a sigh. “Well that didn’t work.”

“Oh it did.” Rebecca’s still giving him these weird eyes and he wants her to snap out of it. “He was looking at you the whole time.”

“He was?” Robert’s voice perks up annoyingly and he has to clear his throat, a smile forms over his head until some boy in a cardigan is leaning over and telling him he’ll have to try harder. “Sorry?”

“I tried that, he didn’t seem to care.” 

“I’m sorry, you were with ...”

The boy adjusts his glasses and he comes to think of a name in his head, he settles on Finn and remembers Vic going on about him. He does look the type to spend all night doing a solo Star Wars marathon. “One night thing.”

“So you just slept with him.” Rebecca smirks into her glass and Finn gets his back up.

“Tried the whole jealous act and he weren’t interested. Aaron only wants a good time ... for a short time.” Finn says miserably before shrugging. “His loss though.”

“Yeah. His loss.” Robert smirks.

—

“Why ain’t you in the pub?” Adam’s asking, they’re playing Fifa and he’s just escaped another grilling from his mum about what Robert’s up to.

“Annoying mum.” Aaron shrugs, only Adam seems to think he’s a love expert and brings up what Vic’s told him. 

“Apparently Robert was on a date.”

Aaron feigns confusion, hitting buttons on the controller and staring at the screen. “Yeah, think so.”

“With a woman.”

“He’s bisexual.” Aaron pulls a face. “Why, you interested?”

Adam laughs, bites at his lip before pausing the game and saying, “Are you?” 

“Don’t be stupid.”

“I’ve seen him, chasing after ya like some idiot.” Adam says, “Granted, he’s a dick but ... if he likes ya then ...”

Aaron feels heat race through him and his instinct tells him to stop it _all_. He has his back up, he calls Adam an idiot and tells him to mind his own business.

“I’m just saying what I know you don’t want to hear.

Aaron breathes in deeply, turns and says, “And what’s that then?” 

“You like someone new.”

Aaron’s eyes are heavy as he tries to shake his head at Adam. “I ... don’t.”

Adam’s all softly spoken, bringing a hand over Aaron’s knee. “It’s alright mate. He’d under—“

He ruins it, everything has to circle back to _him_ and Aaron can’t handle that pressure. He stands suddenly and gets towards the door before Adam can say anything else.

He looks up at the pub, wonders if Robert’s still inside with his fancy woman and then heads towards the cemetery. He’s walking there when he sees Robert coming out of the pub, sending the woman away in the taxi after hugging her loosely.

Aaron sticks a hand in his pocket, brings his hood up and tries to hide from view only Robert seems him.

“Going to tell me to piss off again?” Robert’s already walking up towards him and Aaron rolls his eyes, decides to head straight back up to his room instead of having to shake Robert off all the way to the grave.

“Figured you know how to do that without me asking you to by now.” Aaron says, he keeps his head down and Robert nods. 

“Thought we had a good date.” 

Aaron stops, turns around as Robert frowns at him. He feels this ripple of something through him, he feels like he owes him _something_. “Yeah well ... didn’t work out.”

“You didn’t want it to.” Robert closes in on him and Aaron feels himself back against the stone set wall of the pub. There’s only a single light shining down on them and Aaron can see Robert’s face clearly. 

He has smile lines, deep creases and freckles scattered across his nose and over his cheeks.

He hasn’t noticed. 

He notices.

“Haven’t you ... had enough of analysing me?”

Robert shakes his head. “Think I’ve got more to do.” He leans his head down and Aaron closes his eyes for a second before he pushes at Robert’s chest and shakes his head.

“I’m not doing this.” Robert frowns slowly. “Having sex ... with you.” 

Robert steps away and then looks at Aaron up and down, Aaron can’t breathe against it. 

“You’re uh ... you’re my best mate’s bother in law, it’s too close to home and —“

And he can’t, he can’t let someone in. 

Robert nods his head slowly, brings his hand up towards Aaron’s face. Aaron freezes around it and then gulps.

“Go ... chase down her car if you’re still horny mate.” He whispers, and Robert smiles at him. “Seriously. Why the fuck do you care, you’re wasting your time.”

It all just sort of spills out and Robert shrugs before moving away. 

“It doesn’t feel like it.” He says, “Night Aaron.”

Aaron watches him leave, catches his breath as he stares up at the sky.

—

Aaron stares down at the leaflet and cringes, he understands why Doug’s handed it to him but he also wants to slap in the face for it. 

It’s about young carer’s, children dealing with their parents and young couples who need assistance. There’s a charity event for it going on and apparently Doug’s told Paddy that it’d be good to see Aaron there.

Arthur’s mad about the idea and Aaron marvels at his strength for his dad, over how he sees him hold his hand as they cross the street and help him whenever he’s confused. He’s slowly losing him, Aaron sees how Ashley’s disappearing and it hurts.

“It could be good.” Doug says, he waves a hand out and says something about a fundraising event. He’s already roped Vic into careering, she’s making cakes and selling them for the charity. “It’d be nice to have you there.” 

Aaron doesn’t want to go at first, he wants to sit in his room and stare into space like has been doing for the past two years but something inside him tells him to stick his neck out, do something. 

Doug’s happy to see him in the village hall, he waves him down and calls him brave for coming and Aaron cringes all over.

“I weren’t a carer Doug.” Aaron side steps as he sees Vic setting up her stall. Robert’s standing beside her, looking annoyed and confused about being here. Aaron darts a look in his direction and then Doug’s nodding at him. 

“You looked after someone you loved.”

“Not enough.” Aaron says, “Not to have him stick around.” 

Doug goes to speak but he doesn’t, he has a hand on Aaron’s shoulder and it stays there for a second before he nods. “You did well son, you did all you could.”

Aaron feels tears prickle in his eyes, he feels this sudden urge to cry but he resists in favour of nodding. He’s never seen more than a nod of understanding from Doug over this and it’s overwhelming in a way he welcomes.

He nods down the thick lump in his throat and watches Doug move away towards Laurel and Arthur. He stays where he is, stuck on the spot and his phone hanging loosely in his hand as he scrolls through pictures and tries to let go. 

He deletes a few as he stands there, he feels it happen steadily, patiently. 

“Aaron, muffin?” Vic wriggles an eyebrow and calls him over. He looks up at her and nods before coming towards the stall and avoiding eye contact with Robert.

There’s something there, he’s not stupid, he can feel this _pull_ whenever they’re around each other but he doesn’t know why he’s so scared.

Well he does, and that’s what’s even more scary.

Aaron hands over a pound and Robert stares at him as he hands one over. “Cheers.” He says awkwardly before looking around the place.

“Pretty random this ain’t it?” Robert decides to say and Aaron holds back his frustration at him, he probably has absolutely no idea anyway so it doesn’t matter.

Vic looks between them and her mouth flops open. “Yeah well, it’s for Ashley and Laurel and Arthur and ...”

“Gabby.” Robert says. “Yeah I get it.” He holds up the bucket of change they’re carrying and then shrugs. “Just a little odd.”

Aaron looks up at him and then looks down again. Vic senses it because she pushes Robert to go and drum up business.

“He doesn’t know.” Vic bends over the table once Robert’s gone and Aaron turns towards her. “Robert. He doesn’t know about ...”

“Why would he?” Aaron chews on his lip, “We don’t speak.”

“No, he just tries chatting you up.” Vic teases, Aaron shakes his head at her. “What? It’s true, he’s an idiot but he seems to like ya.”

“More fool him.” Aaron mumbles, he watches Robert turn on the charm to a bunch of old women in the corner of the room. They’re handing over notes instead of coins as he shakes the bucket and they laugh. It makes the corners of Aaron’s mouth perk up slightly. 

“Oh shut up.” Vic says, she leans over just so slap his arm and he’s forced to stare at her and not Robert. “You’re young and fit and single and ... you deserve to be happy you know.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and starts picking at his muffin instead of answering her. He turns around to see a younger woman slipping over her phone number and Robert taking it down in his phone.

Something tightens in his chest.

—

He meets some bloke called Max, he’s looking after his girlfriend after she suffered an accident. She could have died, apparently she says stuff about it all the time and it kills him.

It hits close to him, so fucking close that Aaron can’t help but hand over his number and tell him he can ring him if it gets too much.

He feels this need to help, wants to make a difference, wants to do something. 

It feels good.

—

Robert stays to help clear up after Doug does his back in over something or other and Aaron agrees to stay too. Vic’s hardly got any cakes left but Robert tells her to try and sell them to the cafe to make some more money.

It gets Aaron smiling.

“What? I have got a brain in this head of mine.” Robert says, sweeping now as Vic smirks at Aaron and gets out the door.

“Didn’t say you didn’t.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Didn’t need to, it’s pretty clear that you think I only think with my dick.” 

Aaron stops moving around and then sighs. “I don’t get why you care.” He says. “I’m not used to that.”

“People caring?” Robert frowns at him, sits on the small stage the hall has and Aaron stares at him.

“It’s been a while.” Aaron shrugs, “It’s weird.”

“So are you.” Robert offers, he looks down and then looks up again and he smiles at him in this way he hasn’t done before. “But I don’t mind it.”

“You don’t mind it? Pretty nice to hear that.” Aaron says sarcastically. “Now I feel real special.”

Robert laughs, it radiates through him and makes Aaron catch his breath. “What’s the point? It’s not like your interested is it?” 

Aaron frowns. 

“Saw you taking that bloke’s number.” Robert says, he sounds defeatist and Aaron catches it. He doesn’t even know what he’s on about it until it clicks.

“Max?”

“Yeah. Whatever.” Robert stands and turns away from him again. 

“We just had ... things in common.”

“Like what?” Robert turns around again and Aaron’s mouth hangs open before closing again. “You really don’t have to tell me anything. It doesn’t matter.”

Aaron comes closer towards him, breathes in deeply and then sighs. “Thanks for ... helping today.” He says softly, he moves into Robert’s space and tries to ease something between them. “It meant ... well it mattered.”

Robert frowns softly before looking down at the way Aaron’s hand dances towards his. His ears turn pink with it and he feels something dangerous race through him as he nods and closes in on Aaron’s hand.

He holds it.

He hates himself.

—

Aaron brings a hand across his stomach and cries quietly to himself in his room as he plays back a video. 

He thinks of him, thinks of what they’d be doing now and he hates how he doesn’t think they would have lasted anyway.

He allows himself to think of that, he allows it to drum around in his head for a while.

He allows himself to think of Robert.

—

Robert tries to call, knows exactly what he wants to say but Clive has his phone off. He makes the decision in his head, lets it change things. 

He drives to the village.

—

Cain’s going on at him about something but he isn’t listening, instead he’s got his head underneath a car and his music on as loud as it can go.

Vic’s been in his ear all morning. He’d foolishly agreed to let her buy him lunch and she thought he’d fucked Robert in the village hall when she’d gone.

He’d set her straight, he’d say he isn’t stupid and that she can forget it, wipe it from her brain. She’d asked him to list three reasons why he shouldn’t give Robert a chance.

He walked out instead. 

Now, Cain’s kicking his leg and he’s sliding out to scowl at his uncle. “You’ve got a call out job.”

“I’m working on this.” He goes to slide back down when Cain pulls him up by his arm.

“Now you’re doing this call out.” He says before sighing. “It’s Sugden, you know his car right?” He turns away and Aaron gulps hard.

He feels _nervous_ around him, he knows that now and it only makes him angry and frustrated. 

“Can’t you ... can’t you go instead.”

“No. I’m busy.”

“Well so was ...”

Cain turns around and folds his arms over. “Go.” He says, Aaron hesitates for a second more before getting the keys to van and leaving. 

Cain smiles as he sees him go.

—

Aaron pulls up on the side of the road to see Robert sitting in his car with the radio on. He breathes out slowly before knocking on the window and watching Robert slide it down with a button.

“Oh. I asked for Cain.”

Aaron freezes before Robert smiles.

“I’m joking Aaron.”

It makes Aaron slouch. “What’s wrong with the car then?”

“Uh. Won’t start.” Robert says. “I’d fix it myself but I don’t have the tools.” He gets out of the car slowly and Aaron bites at his lip before going towards the engine and peering down. 

“Seems pretty fine to me.” 

Robert leans against the car and Aaron tries not to look at him. “Pop the boot, might be something wrong with that.”

Aaron stares at him with a frown on his face before opening the boot and seeing a basket sitting there next to a cooling box. 

“Weird.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Do you think everything’s weird?” 

Aaron bites his lip and then looks down before moving back towards the car and trying the engine. It roars loudly and he fights a smile before getting out the car again.

“You’re a wind up.”

“There’s just this bloke who’s really difficult to pin down, thought this would work.” Robert says softly. “Thought he’d fancy a picnic with me.” Aaron snorts, turns away and Robert frowns. “What? Is he too manly for one?”

Aaron kicks the ground and looks down at his overalls. “Hardly dressed for one.”

“Works for me.” Robert says as he steps closer. “Come on.” He reaches a hand out for Aaron to hold and waits for a second before Aaron takes hold of it.

—

“Salmon? Cress? What the fuck is this picnic?” Aaron lays down on his side as Robert starts bringing things out, he holds up a jar of jam he’s sure Robert’s stolen from Pearl’s fridge. 

Robert huffs. “Didn’t know what you’d like.” He says before handing Aaron a beer. “Except for this.”

Aaron sits up slowly and looks across towards the small lake in front of them, the bridge is in his eyesight and he looks away from it before he’s hit with any sad memories.

“I used to run around up here when I was a kid.” Robert looks up towards the sun and smiles. “That bridge too, God I used to scream and wonder if anyone from the village could hear me from it.”

Aaron smiles faintly. “You left though.” He says, “How comes?” Vic doesn’t speak about it, she says he went for a while and since their dad died he’s put more effort in to being around more. “Sorry, if you don’t ...”

“I just didn’t get on with my dad, he didn’t really want me around if I wasn’t going to be who he wanted me to be.” Robert shrugs, “Just shit really.” He mumbles before looking at Aaron. “I’m all better now though.”

Aaron frowns slightly and sees something in him that he hasn’t before, depth and sadness and _more_ than what he’s offered before. 

“Good.” Aaron whispers before watching Robert put together a sandwich and offer him some strawberries.

“Look, you’ve got to eat some of this.” 

Aaron leans over and starts putting things together, picking at pieces before going all in and making this massive sandwich he won’t ever finish.

“You didn’t have to ... do this.” Aaron starts picking at the grass and then blinks up at Robert. The sun is hitting his face and more of his freckles are on show, Aaron notices how green and deep his eyes look in the light before he looks away again.

“You didn’t want me to?” Robert brings a hand close to Aaron’s and then Aaron leans away from him. 

Robert sits up suddenly and Aaron sighs.

“Robert ...”

“You blow _so_ hot and cold.” Aaron frowns as he hears the emotion in Robert’s voice. “I shouldn’t have ... pushed ya like this. I —“ He stands, starts walking away towards the lake like he needs a minute, only Aaron follows him and tells him to stop. 

Robert spins though. “What’s the point? You clearly don’t ..”

“Robert, that bit slides and you’ll —“

Robert’s eyes widen as he slips on the rocks near the bottom of the lake and falls in. Aaron has a hand over his mouth as he watches him rise suddenly, sputtering before he realises how shallow it actually is and stands.

“You alright?” Aaron asks, he comes closer and offers his arm out only to have too much force and have Robert fall flat on him. He lets out this groan as Robert lifts up on him. “You’re getting my all wet you idiot.” He says, but Robert makes no attempt to move. 

“I didn’t mean to fall.”

“Yeah, think that’s pretty obvious mate.” Aaron says and Robert looks away, breathes out like he’s holding something, like it’s deeper. “Robert.” He looks back at Aaron slowly. “Why do you care?” He asks, like he’s almost desperate to know.

Robert gulps hard, brings a had across Aaron’s chest. “Why’d you think?” He whispers. “I like ya, I really like —“

Aaron shakes his head before bringing Robert’s head down and kissing him hard on the lips. He breathes out shakily as he feels Robert move away him, bringing his wet hands across Aaron’s face and kissing him deeper until Aaron’s heart is pounding out of his chest.

He feels _alive_.

Robert brings a hand down, undoing Aaron’s buttons and sliding further and further until Aaron buckles and pants. 

“Out — out here?” Aaron says, face bright red.

“It’s the country side Aaron, no one’s around.” Robert smiles, kissing Aaron’s neck and moving his hand up and down causing Aaron to roll his hips and buckle again. “Unless you ...”

“Don’t you dare stop.” He orders and then he looks up, lays back and smiles.

After, he’s messy and Robert’s hard, he goes to return the favour when Robert sits up and tells him he doesn’t have to.

He asks him if he wants to, if a sloppy wet hand job actually meant anything. He’s all red and insecure and Aaron kisses him softly. The sun is setting and he takes Robert’s hand.

“Come back to mine.”

—

He manages to sneak Robert in because it’s the busiest time of the day. He gets up the stairs and into his room, Robert stands behind him and brings a hand to Aaron’s back.

“We don’t have to.” 

Aaron remembers Ed in here, he was the last person to step foot in here, to sit on his bed, lay there at night with him, make him feel _good_ in here.

“No.” Aaron holds Robert’s hand shakily and turns him so that Robert closes the door with his back. Aaron breathes out shakily before kissing Robert and undressing him slowly.

He brings a hand up towards his own overalls and then lets them fall before stepping out of his pants and standing in his top. Robert stares for a second, like he’s waiting, like he’s confused.

“It can stay on, I don’t ... Aaron.” Robert steps forward, he looks down at Aaron’s arm, sees a long scar among other smaller ones. “I don’t give a shit.” He says heavily.

Aaron’s breath catches as he slowly takes his top off and looks down, waiting for Robert to say something. He doesn’t though, he holds at his chin and brings him into a gentle kiss before backing them towards Aaron’s bed and running his hands softly through Aaron’s hair. He closes his eyes around the soft touches before Robert has his hands on him again.

Aaron grapples for Robert to come closer, brings him into another heated kiss before he feels this pleasure _hit_ him where it should. 

“I haven’t —“ Aaron’s eyes widen as he brings a hand to Robert’s naked chest. “For a while.” He says, bites his lip as Robert nods at him, kisses the back of his hand.

“I’ll be gentle until you don’t want me to anymore yeah?” 

And he is, and Aaron keeps bringing his head up to kiss him until he’s moving with him, moaning out and letting go and feeling something heavy and strong beat in his heart as he cries out, brings his head down and feels _Robert_ everywhere.

He closes his eyes to the gentle feel of Robert’s hands running through his hair, his thighs still trembling.

“I’ve got you.” Robert whispers, soft and sticky and close.

—

Aaron wakes up to the feel of Robert’s dick brushing against his arse and he doesn’t know what to do with his face. He turns towards him slowly, studies the way he sleeps for a second before moaning slightly at the ache his body feels. 

He looks up at the ceiling before looking down at Robert again, running a soft hand through his flattened blonde hair. He feels this feeling rush through him, nervous excitement about what happened, what could happen again. 

He strokes a finger gently across the bridge of Robert’s nose and then slips out of bed for a piss. When he gets back he stands for a second staring at himself in the mirror and then spends time looking for a top and a pair of joggers. 

He gets down the stairs slowly and heads for the kitchen realising that he’s gasping for a drink. It’s still early when he sticks the kettle on and makes them both a cup of tea before heading back upstairs and walking slowly across the hall when he hears Charity moving about in her room already.

Robert’s still asleep when he comes back in. He stares at him from the door and then places the teas down before debating whether or not to have a shower. Robert turns over in his sleep like he’s reaching for Aaron and it makes his heart do something. He climbs back into bed and settles again, brings his head against Robert’s chest and kisses lightly before closing his eyes.

He only wakes up again because Robert’s kissing his neck and rutting against him like a fucking dog.

“Jesus.” Aaron moans, a hand against the edge of the bed.

“Nah, it’s Robert.” Robert’s voice is light as he speaks, he brings a hand down towards Aaron’s middle and Aaron hisses slightly before turning over. “I made you tea.” He says after Robert kisses him.

“Fuck the tea.”

“It’s probably cold now, I guessed you were a weird one sugar type of guy.” Aaron says as Robert tries his best to get Aaron hard. He doesn’t need to try all that much when he starts kissing his neck again. 

“Can you stop talking about the pissin’ tea right now.” Robert says before Aaron sits on top of him. “Morning.”

“Morning.” Aaron says before making Robert’s head roll back.

The tea is fucking freezing by the time they get round to drinking it, they’ve had a shower and now they’re lounging around in bed half naked.

“You not got work?” Robert asks.

“Day off.” Aaron watches Robert bring his hand up towards his and locks them together for a second. “You’re so soft.”

“Am not.” Robert lets go and then Aaron brings it back towards him before looking down. 

“I haven’t ... felt this ... happy in a long time.”

Robert looks touched, his eyes flicker and he gulps hard. “Yeah me too.” He whispers. “You finally stopped rejecting me.”

Aaron blows out a breath. “I only did it ‘cause I was scared you’d reject me.”

“How does that make any —“

“Because of this.” Aaron looks at his stomach and then his arm and then Robert. “It’s a lot. I’m ... a lot.”

Robert moves up on the bed and sips his tea. “I told ya I don’t care.” Aaron remembers the way he kissed over him, didn’t pay the scars any more attention than anywhere else and that mattered. 

“Yeah well ... it’s still pretty big. It’s held me back before.”

“With Ed?” Aaron closes up slightly. “Sorry.”

“No. You’re right. He was ... interested in me for some weird reason, when I was even more moody than I am now.” He breathes in. “Robert I was ... I was grieving.”

Robert looks confused and Aaron hates this. “My boyfriend, my _first_ — he died.”

Robert doesn’t say anything and it’s almost worse. 

“He was badly hurt in an accident, I was his carer or whatever I don’t — I didn’t see it like that. We were boyfriends.” Aaron feels himself getting hot and kicks off the covers to sit up straighter. “But he couldn’t ... he didn’t want to carry on so I helped him go.” He turns around and sees that Robert is slowly getting up and holding at Aaron’s back.

“I’m so ... I’m so sorry.”

“For me? Why?” Aaron can’t understand why people say it, it’s been two years now and it still makes his mind feel numb.

“You lost him.”

“I let him go.” Aaron says. “I killed him.” 

“Because he wanted to be at peace no? You _helped_ him.”

“Sound like my defence.” Aaron huffs and Robert frowns slightly. “It went to trial. I got off don’t worry. You’re not in bed with a criminal.”

Robert nods slowly. “You hurt yourself ... to cope?”

Aaron sighs. “To feel numb. It helped.” He looks serious. “But I don’t do that anymore, I know I shouldn’t, I know it doesn’t help.” There was a time where he thought it was the only thing keeping him sane, that the world was out to get him and he had to keep doing it to stay safe. 

Robert kisses his shoulder. “OK.” He mumbles softly. “Is that why you were at that charity thing?”

Aaron shrugs. “Bit yeah. That Max is dealing with what I did ... thought I could help.”

“I’m an idiot.”

“Yeah. It’s alright though.” Aaron turns towards him. “I don’t mind.” He smiles faintly and Robert shakes his head before kissing him gently.

“That’s a relief.” Robert mumbles against Aaron’s shoulder before gently rubbing his back. “I get why it took you so long to ... want this.”

“I did. From ages ago. I just ...” Aaron can’t find the right words. “You would have been so close, so much, so soon and ...”

“Hey, we can take this slow.” Robert says, and Aaron nods. 

“You’ve already given me a hand job on a field.” 

Robert laughs and Aaron feels so light it’s unreal.

“Ed was ... he was going to France. He wasn’t sticking around and I liked that. He was kind, fit, good.” Aaron frowns. “But he asked me to go with him ... didn’t have an ...”

“Expiration date anymore?” 

Aaron nods slowly. “Sort of. I stayed, I didn’t go.”

“Could have been amazing.” Robert mumbles, hand on Aaron’s thigh. “Although, you wouldn’t have met me though.”

Aaron shrugs. “Wouldn’t have been that bothered about that.” He says before Robert’s face falls and he slowly hovers over Robert’s mouth. 

“You going to kiss me or what?”

Aaron nods slowly before holding Robert’s face and kissing him gently. He feels Robert pull him down under the covers, holding him close as they stare at each other.

—

Robert goes eventually because he has a life of his own to lead, Aaron gets that.

“I’m taking you on a proper date.” Robert says, picking up his jacket and holding it over his arm as Aaron looks at him. “Tomorrow too soon?”

Aaron frowns and Robert leans out to play with the tassel on his hoodie. Robert sighs before explaining, “I don’t want to push you too far.” He says. 

Aaron brings a hand to his waist, shakes his head. “You’re not.” He says, he can’t stop touching him, moving his hands around his waist slowly and smiling. “What?”

“I made you smile.”

It feels heavy as he speaks and Aaron nods his head before kissing him lightly and checking that the coast is clear, when it is, Robert stands awkwardly on the landing and Aaron watches him disappear.

He closes the door to his room and breathes, realises that it’s just gone five and he’s been in bed all day. His stomach grumbles slightly and he decides to venture out as he brings their glasses of tea down and leaves them on the side in the back room.

He’s at peace for a second as he tucks in to the pasta he’s made himself and kicks his feet up. Only then his mum walks in looking stunned to see him.

“Oh. I thought you’d ran away.”

“Hilarious.” Aaron looks up at her and sees that she’s still shocked. “What?

“Did you make that meal with your own two hands?” 

Aaron dips his head and feels his mum’s awe run through him, she’s proud because he’s doing normal tasks again. He remembers relying on takeaways and Marlon for meals, sloping out of bed at this time for a pint and going back again. 

He supposes he was depressed, he supposes because that’s what his counsellor told him. He thinks about how dark it got and how different he feels, how different a stupid charity and a stupid man could make him feel. 

“Yeah. Not a big deal.” Only Chas sits down next to him and smiles faintly before squeezing his hand. 

“Why you being weird?”

“Me?” Chas laughs. “My son is just made himself his own tea and ...” she leans closer and smiles. “Smell very nice. You had a shower or two today?”

Aaron freezes up. “Mum I’m not eight.”

She rolls her eyes and stands, moving towards the kitchen before pausing. Aaron’s eyes widen as she looks at the two mugs on the side.

“Are these from ...”

“I’ll clean them up.” Aaron says, food still in his hands as he scrubs and keeps his head down.

“You bought someone _here_ , you haven’t done that since ...”

“It ain’t a big deal.”

“Of course it is.” Chas says. “Love you’re ... I’m so happy.”

“It was Robert.”

He sort of enjoys the way her face falls, it felt too good anyway. 

—

His mum knows stories of stories of stories about when Robert was young and the only word she can still bring herself to describe Robert as is ‘trouble.’ 

He listens to her, soaks the information in and ends up storming off to the cafe to see Vic smiling at him. 

“Guess who I saw leaving the pub.” She practically hops as she speaks and Aaron looks away. “He looked happy. What?”

“Nothing.” 

Vic frowns. “What? Doesn’t he make you ... happy?” Aaron feels his chest tighten up as he realises how easy it is to answer. 

“Will everyone stop _pushing_. It’s not that big of deal. He isn’t that big of a deal so just ...” Aaron watches Vic’s eyes widen and he turns to see Robert standing by the door. 

He looks hurt, he can see the look on his face. It stretches all over and Aaron hates it. 

“Rob.” He says, it sounds too intimidate especially with Brenda walking around trying to shut up shop. Robert steps back a little and then gulps.

“I forgot my watch.” 

Aaron comes closer towards him and then Robert steps back. 

“It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve got to go.” Robert says, and Aaron goes to chase after him but Vic stops him in his tracks.

“Sort your head out first.” 

—

He ends up with Adam in a bar in town, mopping into his beer and trying to stop from snapping when Adam asks what’s up.

“You looked better yesterday.”

“Yeah.” Aaron says. “I was but I ruined it.” He bites at his lip, chewing hard and then looking at Adam. “I’m scared Ad, I’m scared of messing everything up.”

Adam scoots closer and Aaron can’t remember the last time he allowed himself to be like this, open and honest with his best friend. “You won’t.” He says. “What’s — what happened?”

Aaron sniffs, runs a hand across his nose. “You were right about Robert.” He shakes his head. “We spent ... the whole night together.” He feels goosebumps over his skin and he sighs. “It was ...” He looks down. “And I’m scared.”

Adam shakes his head. “You don’t have to be.”

“I _do_.” Aaron rolls his eyes. “‘Cause my mum hates him and he heard me tell Vic he basically doesn’t mean shit and ...” He rubs a hand over his thigh. “It meant ... a lot.”

“That’s good.” 

Aaron scowls. “Is it?” He says. “Ad, I told him about the scars, Jackson, Ed.” He shakes his head. “It just came out.”

“Because it felt right didn’t it?” Adam says, he nods a little when Aaron looks terrified. “It’s alright, he’s an idiot but he’s alright.”

Aaron smiles. “I don’t even care though.” He says, he plays with his hands and shudders. “He is an idiot but it doesn’t change anything.”

“Because you like him.”

“It feels different.” Aaron shrugs, “It feels like more.” There’s a ghost of a smile on his face when he feels someone bump his shoulder. Charlie stares up at him, a frown on his face when he sees him sitting with Adam.

“I thought I’d see you on another date.” He says. “I’m Charlie, do you remember me? Jackson’s—“

“That’s enough.” Adam says. “Do one.”

“It’s alright Adam.” Aaron pushes at Adam’s shoulder to sit him down again and then stands up himself. “I do remember you, making me feel like I didn’t grieve in the right way, didn’t do _anything_ the way I should have. But I don’t care what you think when I know what Jackson would have wanted.”

“You forgetting him?”

“Me moving on.” Aaron says. “Me being happy.”

Charlie goes to speak and then Aaron shakes his head.

“We’re not bad people for doing that.”

Aaron watches Charlie listen, soak it in and then turn around looking embarrassed and hurt. Adam’s slapping Aaron’s shoulder and smiling, telling him that he deserves another point.

“No I think ... do you know Robert’s address?”

Aaron grins out a nod.

—

He lives in a high rise block of flats, glass balconies on every floor and a walk in that’s longer than the Main Street in the village.

Someone holds the door out for him so he’s forced to walk up the stairs without already telling Robert he’s arrived. He’s nervous for it, hands shaking slightly as he turns towards Robert’s floor and watches him speaking to someone who’s at his door. 

He looks familiar but Aaron doesn’t bother to try and place him because Robert seems to be having an argument with him. He’s waving a hand up in the air and asking about *money or something.

“I did it.” Robert’s saying, “He likes me, trust me.” 

“Only I don’t.” The guy laughs. “You could be lying.”

“I’ve got pictures of us in bed together last night. So hand the money over and we can call this quits.”

Aaron’s eyes are wide as he turns the corner to stare right at them, to see Robert catching his eye and his mouth fall open. He suddenly feels _sick_ as Robert approaches him.

“Don’t ...” Aaron feels this _kick_ to his stomach hit him over and over again as the guy makes his excuses and leaves. “It was ... you’re a liar.” He’s turning away, wiping his eyes hard as tears begin to fall. 

Robert’s running towards him, holding at him almost frantically as he tries to stop him. “No. No, no please don’t — let me explain.”

“Explain?” Aaron’s shouting, pushing at Robert’s chest as he tries to get him off him. “Are you serious?” He says. “You used me for money? You ...” He thinks about last night, rubs a hand across his face and shudders. “You make me feel sick.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry OK? I wanted the money to —“

Aaron pushes him against the wall hard, “You’re a liar.”

Robert nods, and Aaron shakes as he sees that he’s got tears in his eyes. “I am, I’m fucking awful Aaron but I didn’t lie about ...”

“About what?” Aaron shouts, he still holds him as he shakes his head. “Making me think you actually liked me, getting me into bed, getting me to think — think I could _trust_ you about what’s happened to me?” 

“I just ... I’m sorry Aaron.”

Robert shudders as Aaron pulls away from him and rubs his eyes hard. “I was here to ... to say sorry.” He says bitterly. “That I liked ya, that you were a big deal. Now you mean nothing.” He leaves it that way, walks away as Robert is left standing against the wall.

—

He destroys his room in rage, acts out like he’s eighteen again as he drags the covers from his bed and punches whatever he can.

His mum goes ballistic and he tells her the truth, he lets her cling to him when he cries.

“I really ... I really liked him. I liked him so much.” 

—

He comes to the conclusion that it’s somehow karma. He dared to move on, dared to stand up to Charlie, to prove himself wrong.

So in return he got his heart trampled on. 

—

He cries about it for way too long and wonders how red his eyes look when he steps out of his. He’s already told Adam and he’s ready to batter him despite Vic telling him not to.

“I’m alright, honest.” Aaron lies, brings a hand up towards his face as tries to look as normal as possible.

“You liked him.”

“Well now I hate him.” Aaron shrugs. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“So we just let him get away with living it up with money you got him?” 

“I don’t give a shit about the money.” Aaron says, he sips at his pint as they sit on the benches outside the pub. “I don’t give a shit about him either so leave it.”

Adam does, and Aaron gets through the day until Robert shows up in the pub and Chas loses her mind. She goes to town on insults and half the pub is shocked by the time Aaron shows his face and tells Robert to get out. 

“Please, two seconds.” Robert says. “Please.” He looks half dead by the time Aaron eventually nods and they sit outside as the moon hangs close.

“I don’t know what you want to say but you’re wasting your time.”

Robert sighs and looks up towards the sky. “I’m sorry.” He says heavily. “I’m sorry about everything but I need you to know I didn’t fake it all.”

“Right. Just the bit where I was supposed to what? Fall for you? Have sex with you? What was the plan away?”

“I didn’t even have one.” Robert cringes. “It was a _stupid_ bet and I shouldn’t have taken it.” He pulls a face. “You weren’t interested at that bar, remember? I saw you watching me dance, and I wanted to speak to you but you didn’t — you weren’t interested.”

“So it was revenge?” 

“No.” Robert stresses. “It was my stupid mate thinking I couldn’t get you to like me and — it was my pride.” He shakes his head.

“And the grand right?” Aaron shakes his head. “Sure that was important n’all.”

Robert looks serious. “I was asking him for the money ‘cause ... I wanted to give it to the charity.” Aaron just stares at him as his heart beats hard. “You said ... I wasn’t that big of a deal and I wanted to be so ...”

“You thought you could buy me?”

Robert shakes his head helplessly, “No I ... I knew it was important to you because of Jackson and —“

“Don’t even say his name.”

“Aaron ...”

“It was one night. I regret it, I regret ever meeting you in that stupid bar and I need you to get out my face right now.” Aaron pinches the bridge of his nose as Robert stays where he is. “I mean it I ...”

“I never faked how I felt. I never.”

Aaron closes his eyes for a second and remembers asking him time and time again why he cared so much, why he seemed so bothered. Something dark runs through him as he thinks about how calculated his been.

“Take your money and do one.” Aaron says before turning around and leaving Robert standing on the street alone. 

—

He goes to Vic’s because she drags him inside and demands to know what that the hell he thought he was playing at.

“I don’t know Vic.” He flaps, he’s sitting on her poxy sofa and bringing a cushion to his middle. “I was stupid.”

“I told you not to hurt him.” Vic says. “It was literally the only piece of advice I gave you.” He listens to her and then shakes his head, running a hand through his hair.

“I’m an idiot.” Robert says. “But I didn’t mean to hurt him. Vic, you’ve got to believe me.” He says. 

Vic sighs hard as her eyes close and she sits next to her brother. “Why do you make it so hard for yourself eh?” She sounds softer and Robert doesn’t deserve it.

“It was a _stupid_ bet, and then it felt real, I didn’t even think about it.”

“But he saw ya ...”

“For the young carer charity, I wanted him to think, to _know_ I was serious about him.” Robert rolls his eyes and sits up. “Wanted to impress him.”

“He wouldn’t have wanted that money.”

“Yeah well he wasn’t supposed to know where it came from.” Robert bounces his leg restlessly before biting his lip. “He hates me.”

Vic shakes her head, “No. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, he doesn’t hate ya.” She reasons. “He’s angry, he has the right to be.”

“He doesn’t want me, and I get that because I don’t deserve him.” Robert says as he looks up. “Just wish I didn’t like him so much.” 

Vic slaps at his arm lightly before bringing him into a hug. 

—

There’s a knock on his bedroom door the next day and he doesn’t expect to see Robert standing there when he answers it.

He goes to shut the door when his massive hand gets in the way and asks him for a second.

“I’m not interested.” Aaron shouts. “Who let you up here anyway?”

Noah walks past with a fiver in his hand and Robert pulls a face.

“I just wanted to say ... sorry again.” Robert says. “I’m — I won’t be around here anymore OK?”

Aaron folds his arms over and gulps. “Sacking off Vic too now? Does she know you only started visiting her more for some sleazy bet or not?”

Robert’s jaw clenches and his leather jacket squeaks under the way he moves. “She does yeah, and she’s already called me every name under the same. But she’s going to visiting me from now on.”

Aaron pulls a face, tries desperately not to give anything away as he moves towards his window. “Thanks for that, now I know I can sleep at night. If there isn’t anything else, just go.”

Robert nods his head but comes closer and Aaron can’t bare the look on his face so he turns away. 

“I don’t want you to think that ... you can’t, you won’t meet someone because of how I treated you alright?” Aaron hears him and he’s suddenly grateful he isn’t looking his way. He has tears welling in his eyes. “Someone’s going to come along and ... make all the worry worth it. They’ll treat you ...”

“They won’t lie to my face or be with me for money?” Aaron stares out the window now and Robert stops altogether. “Thanks for the pep talk, you can leave now.” His chin wobbles slightly as Robert backs towards the door. He hears the door close behind him before eventually turning around and seeing a small envelope addressed to him left on his bed.

He shakes his head against it, wills himself to stuff it away in a draw. 

He closes it shut.

—

“So you work with your hands?” The guy suddenly brings Aaron’s hand up and holds it before looking it over. “I see.”

Aaron’s eyes widen as he runs a hand down the table and tries to think of something to say. He’s stumped. The guy’s a fucking weirdo and Matty needs to find better mates to hang around with. 

“I think ... yeah my phone’s going.” Aaron looks down at his phone and then his date frowns at him.

“Nah it isn’t.” He says, “Anyway, do we mention exes?”

“Let’s not.”

“You got a few?” The man says before laughing. “Just kidding. My ex tried getting it on with my brother.”

“Yeah well mine was only with me ‘cause of a bet.” Aaron says and the guy’s face drops. “Actually, he wasn’t ... we weren’t even ...”

Thankfully Adam rescues him pretty soon after that, drives him home and listens to him going on about how awful it was.

“At one point he asked me what my favourite letter was.”

Adam bursts out laughing.

“It ain’t funny.” Aaron says, he stares out the window. “I give up.”

“So do I.” Adam says, Aaron looks at him strangely and he sighs. “Me and Matty, we’ve been trying to make ya smile but ...”

Aaron tightens his shoulders. “But what?”

“Look it’s been two months and you’re back to how you were before.”

Before, before Robert even came along and he was a cold sack of mess. 

“Before I was lied to and embarrassed?” Aaron folds his arms over. “Before then yeah?”

Adam sighs and slams the wheel. “Look I was the first person to tell you we should get revenge, do _something_ alright. But the truth is ...”

“I’m moving on.”

“You’re missing him more and more.” Adam stops them at a red light and Aaron’s face crumbles against it. “I know you.”

“It was a _lie_ Adam. How can I miss something that wasn’t even true?”

Adam shakes his head. “Because it felt real, because deep down you know it was.” 

“I can’t believe you’re saying this.”

“Me either.” Adam pulls a face. “I hate him, he’s my family and I hate what he’s done to ya but ... I think you’ve had time to realise it couldn’t have all been fake.” 

Aaron winds down the window and shakes his head. “Since when were you a psychic?”

“Oh didn’t I tell ya, got a degree and everything in your love life.” Adam says cheekily before the lights change. “I’m just saying ...”

“What? What are you actually saying Adam?”

“Let it go and actually try and move on with someone else.” Adam turns to him. “Or you know what else you can do.”

Aaron chews his lip instead of answering.

—

He brings a guy back to his and manages to get him up against his wall by the time he asks about condoms and Aaron’s heading for his draw.

He’s struck by the letter still sitting on the top and something inside him stops.

“Making one over there or ...”

Aaron shudders as he looks down at the envelope. “Yeah. Changed my mind, you need to go.” 

He’s half dressed and complaining but Aaron gives him this look like he’ll thump him if he doesn’t go so he does. Aaron sits on his bed, shirt half open as he brings it out and opens it.

There’s a small note inside.

_Please don’t resent me trying to help_

And then there’s a cheque addressed to the charity. 

Aaron’s eyes widen as he sees the digits and realises that this so called Clive had a spare grand to chuck about when he wanted to. It gets his back up as he sees Clive’s details on a small card inside the envelope and reads off where he works.

It’s the first thing he does the next morning when he’s up and dressed, Cain’s given him the day off and he’s already in Clive’s office building by eleven.

“I need to speak to him.” Aaron says, only the woman at the desk says that he isn’t available. “Tell him it’s the guy he bet on.” He demands and two minutes later this weasel of a guy is coming towards him and leading him into an office. 

“I didn’t expect to see you again.” Clive says, arms crossed as he sits at his desk and looks up. 

“Why? Embarrassed by what a creep you are?”

Clive rolls his eyes. “It was just a bit of fun.” He says. “It wasn’t meant to mean anything.”

Aaron shakes his head. “So it was just a laugh yeah?”

Clive sighs. “He wanted to speak to ya and you fobbed him off, I’d never seen it happen before so I bet him he couldn’t get you to like him.” He shrugs a little and sits up. “That’s all.”

“That’s all?” Aaron says. “Aren’t you even sorry.”

“Oh yeah I’m sorry I ever even said it considering the amount of grief I’ve got.” Clive folds his arms over tightly and then looks down. “What’s this?”

“A grand. You gave it to the charity Robert thought I’d like.” Aaron says slowly as he places the cheque on the table. “You can have it back.”

“I signed it months ago.”

“I’m giving it back.”

Clive shakes his head. “It’s for charity.”

“It’s from you, and him being sleazy and I don’t want anything to do with it.”

Clive takes it in his hand and then sits back. “You know I don’t know what Robert sees in you.”

Aaron bristles and his heart pounds. “Sort of didn’t see anything in me, thought we established that.”

“God he was so desperate to get this money from me, for some niche little charity I had no idea about.” Clive scoffs. “To impress you?” He shakes his head and Aaron shudders. “He wanted out, he wasn’t lying, and you know it.” He’s so blasé about it like it’s _so_ obvious.

“So that makes it ... OK?” 

Clive leans over and slides he cheque back to Aaron. “It’s a donation.” He says. “And I never said Robert wasn’t an idiot did I?”

Aaron fights what he feels against it as he holds the cheque in his hand again and walks away. 

—

“Here.” Aaron watches the look on Doug’s face change when he realises what the cheque is made out for.

He turns bright red and thrusts it back in Aaron’s hand. “I can’t ... I don’t even know who this Clive is when he’s at home.”

Aaron nods. “Someone who owes me a favour.” He says before passing it back. “I mean it, I want you to put it into the charity. Give it to whoever needs it.” He shrugs a little and thinks of Max. 

“This will ...” Doug shakes his head. “Just offer that extra level of support, sorry I shouldn’t even be asking you like you don’t know yourself.”

Aaron’s still uncomfortable with thinking of himself as a carer. It makes him feel saddled with a pressure he tried to ignore up until Jackson was in the ground. He gets it though, he understands.

“Yeah well, I hope it goes a long way.”

“It sure will.” Doug nods, bumbling about going to give it to the office as soon as he gets the chance. “Thank you Aaron.”

Aaron watches him go and then calls out his name. “Same to — to you. Thanks.” 

He sees Doug smile at him before he turns away again.

—

“I forgot to buy you a can, m’sorry.” Aaron says, he looks down at Jackson’s grave and then kneels. “I’m moving on you know, properly this time. Or I’ll try to.”

He holds a hand up and then sniffs before standing.

“I won’t ... I won’t be alone anymore. You won’t have to see that.” 

He dips his head up to the sky and then looks down again.

“Bye Jackson.” 

He turns away.

—

Robert’s flat still has a pretentious front desk and a lift with a million floors. He makes it up to the sixteenth floor in second and as he stands there awkwardly he’s hit with a memory he wants to burn.

He gulps down the memory in favour of moving towards his door before hesitating when he hears him on the phone.

“Vic, I’m going to try OK? I’ll come back and ... I don’t know ... I’ll take him by the bridge again. I’ll try but it won’t work ‘cause he doesn’t ...”

Aaron finally knocks and Robert stands there with his eyes wide as he soaks him in. It’s been long, longer than Aaron wants to admit. He remembers them laying in bed together for nearly a whole day talking and something pangs in his chest.

“I do.” Aaron mumbles, “I want you to try, I want ... I want you to chose me properly.”

Robert’s mouth is dry as he tells Vic he’ll call her back and stares at Aaron. “I —“ He shakes his head. “I’ll do anything.”

Aaron shudders, eyes filling with tears. “Do you really mean that or are you just ...”

Robert brings a hand to Aaron’s waist and Aaron’s forehead rests almost instinctively against Robert’s as he shudders against their touch. He breathes out deeply as Robert nods.

“I’m a fuck up Aaron, but what I felt for you wasn’t a lie. I didn’t make that up.”

“Past tense.”

“You what?” 

Aaron looks up. “You said the way you felt.” Robert frowns and pulls him even closer.

“The way I feel you idiot.” Aaron almost laughs and then Robert shakes his head. “I don’t want to ever hurt you like that again.”

“You hurt me ...” Aaron moves away slightly and sniffs. “So much, and I pushed you away ‘cause ... it was better than knowing you really cared.”

“I did. Do. I do.” Robert blurts out. “I was going to try and win you back or whatever. It’s not like I had you to begin with but ...”

“You did.” Aaron bites his lip nervously. “You do.”

Robert breathes out heavily before kissing Aaron, tilting his head back and holding him close as he presses his face against his and moans.

Aaron pulls away eventually, comes up for air and slaps Robert’s chest. “If you ever fucking place a bet on ...”

“I’m not even doing the grand national after this I swear.” Robert smiles, and Aaron rolls his eyes before meeting his expression. “I missed you.” He says. “I missed you so ...”

“Weren’t even that long.” Aaron says and Robert rolls his eyes before realising what he means. “Took me less than three weeks to ...”

“To what?” 

Aaron turns bright red before kissing him hard on the lips and backing him into his flat, finding the bed and feeling whole again.

—

He hears Robert explain himself to his mum and Paddy. He offers over a bottle of wine and Chas threatens him a lot before accepting it. 

“Safe to come out?” Aaron dips his head around the door and Robert nods at him as Paddy smiles. “Can you two not he weird about this.” 

Chas wipes at her eyes for a second. “Come here.” She says, and he comes forward to bring his arms around his mum, lets her squeeze tightly before he’s dipping away and moving back to Robert, gently brushing past his hand. “Right, tea?” 

Aaron nods and looks at Robert. “Stay.” He mumbles, unsure of what will happen next until Robert nods.

“Yeah. I’ll stay.”

—

“You’re an idiot you know.” Chas makes him freeze when he’s out in the beer garden finishing up a call. He turns around to her slowly and frowns. “You. An idiot.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Chas frowns as she starts collecting glasses. “But I’ve never seen him like that.”

It makes Robert’s eyes widen. “Never?”

Chas sighs. “Before everything went wrong with Jackson he was barely used to who he was. I see him happy now. So don’t ...”

“I won’t.” Robert says seriously.

Chas smirks a little. “Good.” She says before demanding he help her take in some more glasses. 

—

“You know what?” Robert mumbles against Aaron’s head as he sits lazily against him. They’re in their picnic spot without any food and enjoying the quiet. The sun isn’t even really shining anymore but it gets them away from Vic going on about them being mushy and Chas trying not to watch Robert’s every move in case he hurts her son again. 

Aaron looks up towards him. “What?” He links their hands together like a sap and hates himself a little for it before Robert’s thumb rubs against his palm and he feels light.

“I reckon I’m in love with you.” Robert mumbles, he stares down at Aaron’s soft curls and speaks into them before hearing the sound of bird chirp and the trees whistle. 

Aaron doesn’t say anything and Robert clams up. 

“I don’t expect you to ...”

“Why not?” Aaron sits up slowly and tries not to smile. “Because of Jackson?” He’s better at expressing himself, getting to the point and letting himself be heard.

Robert stutters out something and Aaron shrugs

“I know I love you.” He says.

Robert breaks out into this nervous smile. “You do?”

“Have done since I came to your door, told you I wanted you still.” Aaron knows it with a certainty that scares him shitless but keeps him sane at the exact same time. He closes his eyes for a second and then looks at Robert. “What?”

Robert shakes his head. “You’re mental for doing that.”

Aaron leans close, brings a hand up towards Robert’s before sitting on his lap and nodding. “So are you.” He mumbles before catching Robert’s mouth in his and then bringing his head down to rest on Robert’s shoulder.

He feels this lightness travel through him, supposes he’s settled or something, that he’s happy like his mum and Paddy Adam and Matty seem to go one about these days.

He closes his eyes, feels Robert tug them down so that all he sees for a second are big green eyes and this soft hesitant smile.

He’d like the view forever if he can have it his way.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed, if you have the time let me know what you thought


End file.
